“Olympic Security 100% Watertight”

An unattributable source said that the Olympic officials were confident that “nothing can break through the river of steel”. They told us that “data surveillance means we are aware of all the attempts to disrupt the Games here in the heart of London”.


We can certainly sleep easy, especially the marathon runners, given that assurance.

Shock exclusive: Someone looking a lot like Seb Coe has told us that there are secret plans for the Marathon to be run behind closed doors in the Olympic Stadium. “They would only have to do just over 105 laps – I think it could make it very exciting”.

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