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15/6/12 Come on the Beer Monster!

8/6/12 Punk Night and Euro 2012

The Beer-Monster has spoken

1/6/12 Punk Night

You need BBC Four tonight to enjoy the history of punk. Well done BBC – credit where it is due.

However, why is that dreadful individual Camp-Bell presenting HIGNFY? Horrible man. Throw a few dozen dodgy dossiers at him. Terrible man.

Campbell! Yeah you. Reckon you’re hard do you?

25/5/12 HIGNFY and Cricket

The second Test Match begins on both TV and radio. Let’s hope this goes to 5 days again.

Two good guests on HIGNFY tonight, Andy Hamilton and Charlie Brooker, but we have doubts that William Shatner, WHO?, yes, William Shatner will be quick witted enough or know enough about the current UK News to actually take part. Let’s hope we are wrong.

18/5/12 HIGNFY

We can’t find who is on tonight so the first few moments will be critical to our enjoyment of this highpoint of the week. There is also the Rugby Cup Final but it’s two French teams in this: Toulon and Biarritz. Smattering of English players on show though and should be a good game.

Later With Jools will need some careful monitoring. We want to catch any numbers by Hot Chip but really don’t want any of the others – we’ll need to keep our wits about us!

11/5/12 HIGNFY

Reginald D Hunter on tonight and he is always worth it. Armstrong needs to read our About page.

4/5/12 There is good and there is bad

Extended Jools with Richard Hawley to look for. Damon Albarn?  Mmm? New cloth’s syndrome? Never been too sure about him.

Have I Got News For You – Great. Oh no!!!! Bloody Clarkson? Why of why? We will need to keep the finger hovering over the mute button every time his stupid face appears. Let’s hope they rip it into him for his little ‘local’ set of Camerooooon and Broooookes. The dreadful man is then paid again by us to be on QI. Heaven help us! The B.B.Club will probably make it a hat tick and slip him up into The Graham Norton Pain Up The Bum Show – we just hope we are wrong.

Let’s hope he isn’t a terrorist target

27/4/12 At least we have three things

A new episode of Anthony Bordain as he goes to Madrid. Then we get the third in the series from HIGNFY fronted by Damien Lewis who is currently in Homeland and has done a good job in the past.

The nights ends with an extended version of Jools Holland from Tuesday

20/4/12 Two things on to be honest

HIGNFY is on with Jo Brand so it should be good.  Not sure who the two guests are yet so let’s hope we don’t get disappointed.

If you can get it there is also Premiership Rugby but again we can’t be sure who is playing as we write this.

13/4/12 It’s back!

We’ve got Sale and Bath playing rugby and probably kicking lumps out of each other. We’ve got several hours of some great music from the Southern Rock Bands and we hope to catch a version of Freebird lasting a full 45 min: brilliant.

The Kings are back but we are not too sure we need Stephen Mangan on it yet again. Thanks to Armstrong we now have the mantra of The Field: Just because you are on a lot doesn’t mean you’re popular.

6/4/12 Pretty poor for a holiday Friday

Toulon and Harlequins in the next quarter-final. The winner of this match will play either Francais or Exeter. The pointless evening ends with Twenty Twelve which we’ll give one more go, just.

30/3/12 Sport, food and a ‘funny’

Poor old night for telly. Even BBC4 is a letdown this Friday. So the only good stuff is some rugby from the Premiership. There is a new episode of Anthony Bourdain with some seafood from the coast of Maine. We have then got the second series of Twenty-Twelve but this could go either way. Some parts of this are so near the truth that it isn’t funny. We also wonder if there are any storylines left for this four part series. We’ll see.

Anthony Bourdain

23/3/12 Sport and music

Music looks the best today with lots of archive stuff the BBC has and are now showing on BBC 4. All a bit Prog Rock but if you are old enough you’ll love it. The BBC then has an evening of Sports Relief.

The sentiment is excellent: the execution is excruciating.

But wait! There must be something wrong here. We have looked through the 6 plus hours of planned events and feel sure we have spotted an error. Amongst all of this sporting triumph and promotion there seems to be a serious omission. Not one reference to the extremely talented Sarah Millican! Quite simply this has to be a mistake as we cannot believe she would miss out on the opportunity of taking part in such a TV event. If you happen to spot her then please let us know.

To save us we do have Anthony Bourdain at 8 o’clock.

Anthony

16/3/12 A couple of highlights – something from the BBC!

The First Photo Album goes to Dorset! This would have been so much better with Ade Edmondson rather than the Supply Presenter they have dragged in. It would have been informative and funny. One highlight is Helen Skelton who shows once more that there is one hell of a lot more to her than just being on Blue Peter. She travel 500 miles across the Antarctic – amazing! The evening ends with Ronnie Wood getting back with Ian McLagan. Poor Ronnie Lane is no longer with us, his classics Debris, Oh La La and How Long amongst many –just brilliant, but a reunion of The Faces would really be an event.

The Amazing Helen Skelton – Thanks PA

9/3/12 Rugby and that’s it – BBC = 0 again

Top match in the Anglo-Welsh Cup actually has two teams from England with Leicester visiting Bath.

We all got excited at the prospect of The Secret Policeman’s Ball until we saw the line-up. Russell – talentless – Brand, Jimmy – don’t you just want to punch him in the face – Carr and the Kings of Pap – Coldplay. If we make a donation is it alright if we don’t bother to watch it?

Great, there’s a new iPad out! The perfect piece of technology for those early adopter geeks who’s first thought is “I like the colour”.

2/2/12 A few bits worth a look – BBC = 0

We have the new series of The Middle with a chance to see how things are in America for families who don’t all earn a million a week. They at least seem real, others are in a better position to tell us if that is true. There is a rugby match worth a look with Newcastle and Harlequins and after that there is the next part of the Ronnie Wood Show which we are still not sure about.

Ronnie and Rod back in the good old days

24/2/12 A bit of a music night with some rugby to kick it off – BBC = 1
There is a choice of England Under 20’s or a Premiership league match at 7:30. The league match will probably prove to be the best bet. The BBC manages to put something on worth watching but you need to be able to get BBC4. Gerry Rafferty has time spent to acknowledge his work over a number of years and should be worth the BBC bothering to open their extensive vault of  old classics. Ronnie Wood, of The Stones and The Faces fame, has his own show starting up. We are not quite sure where this came from but it could be very good if only potentially at this stage. He has some interesting guests so we’ll give him a chance.

Ronnie Wood

We had a knock at Liverpool FC not so long ago and they have set themselves up for another one. Tommy Smith is a legend amongst those who watched real football when it was played by real men. He was a genuine defender and was one you would far rather have in your team than against. He won a host of medals including ones for league title, FA Cup, Uefa Cup and European Cup winners’ medals and has now put them up for auction. These represent some of the greatest years of Liverpool football club. They were split into 75 lots and scattered to the four winds. After fees Tommy Smith was left with £100,000.

Tommy Smith – Legend

Yes, Liverpool let Tommy Smith, the Great Tommy Smith, go away with less than one week’s wages for one of their current day journey men for his lifetimes sporting achievement. They couldn’t ‘buy’ it off him, all 75 lots, for £200,000 and display them as a single collection for all Liverpool fans to see for all time on display at Anfield. That’s how much the current club regard his successes.

17/2/12 Not much on offer but may contain a gem

The most obvious viewing comes in the form of Australia and Sri Lanka but it does involve a very early rise – about 3:30 am. At a more sensible time of the evening is the Rugby League World Club Challenge with Leeds taking on the mighty of Manly. This should be a good game.

The little gem is the documentary on James Ravilious where we hope to see some of his iconic photographs. Don’t adjust your set – you’ll find a lot of it in black and white.

Now then, can somebody tell us why this illiterate idiot keeps turning up on our TV?

10/2/12 A few choice spots about tonight

Starts off with Zack Braff appearing on The Culture Show. He is usually worth a look and a listen. We have some live rugby with the Premiership returning and Sale playing Wordester. Taking us on from 9 o’clock has BBC4 giving us a music history night which they do very well – said it before – they must have so much old footage why don’t we see more of it? There is the Sex Pistols in America opening the door for more British bands to head across there during the 80’s. Following hot on the trail is more footage from Brits in the US and some rare shots of The Cure on Tour. Pass us that giant can of hair spray!

Robert Smith

3/2/12 Odd sort of a day

All starts very early when England try to salvage some pride in their final Test match against Pakistan. We don’t hold out a lot of hope. Later we’ve got Anthony Bourdain on his travels but there can’t be many of those left to save us.

Hot on the tail of Anthony is the magnificent Ian Dury and Blockheads from the Hammersmith Odean back in 1985.

Ian Dury

Finally, to get us ready for the Six Nations, Super league starts up with Widnes verses Wakefield.

Just a thought: would you trust Danny ‘The Ferret’ Alexander? Couldn’t sell a decent second-hand car.

27/1/12 Just a couple of low points

Why have they ruined Room 101? It’s been turned into one of the travelling panel shows with the same pointless faces turning up having just left one of the dozen other studios. We start to wonder if they can even remember which one they are on at any given time. Can’t for Sue Perkins to turn up! (groan. ff)

We do have a bit of a music night on BBC4 and that could be worth a look. We have also got to games of footie from the Africa Cup and there might also be an FA Cup match.

Having made such a song and dance about how the public are ripped off by various bodies and how they are on the side of the people how come the Boarders from Big School want to charge separated parents 20% on one side and another 12% on the other in order to run the Child Support Agency? As usual – talk is cheap, actions are something else.

Who heard Clanger on Radio 5 Thursday morning? What the hell was he mumbling on about?

20/1/12 Not much about as usual

Hannibal’s Trail looks like it’s worth 30 min. A mad bike trip following the military leader on bikes, yes, as in push bikes. (Get a paper round! ff) We feel sure there are easier ways of doing it. We also have the Quins involved in the Heineken Cup.

The England cricket team need a bit of a reality check. It’s all very well telling yourselves you are the best there is but as they ‘don’t believe the hype!’ Losing a five day test in just three days is a bit of a stuffing.

13/1/12 A couple of things at last

A new series begins tonight with “Milton Jones’s House Of Rooms”. Very funny on the radio so we’ll have to see how it goes on TV. We’ve also got some rugby from Ravenhill.

TV Game shows – we feel the need to say something. Some of these are really, really good ideas. ‘Pointless’, ‘Deal or no deal’, ‘WWTBAM’, ‘Millionaire Drop’, ‘Bargain Hunt’ are all great ideas. But it all goes so, so wrong. The reason? The bloody Host! These vacuous individuals get so up themselves that they think the show is about THEM. “No it isn’t!” It is about the contestants and the idea behind the game. Why do they waste money on these fools when anyone could do it because it is the game that drives it NOT a mouthy host.

Phew – we feel better after that.

6/1/12 TV is getting worse

At least Giggs will be in tonight at 7:30 as we guess he will be watching Come Dine With Me unless, of course, it is covered by a super injunction.

A Contestant on ‘Come Dine With Me’

Big night for music of the 70’s on BBC4 which takes us through to 3 in the morning. The trouble is it’s like buses, nothing on and then we’ve got an hour and a half of Rory Gallagher at 10. Oh great! Then to really mess it all up there’s live rugby at 7. Nothing on most of the week and then one night with it all on. It is getting worse.

Suarez claims he only used the word once. There is some dispute in the translation of the exact meaning of the word but it is safe to say no one would confuse it with the word ‘mate’. Paragraph 5 of the full report shows he used the word at least five times. Could it be that numbers also have a different meaning where Suarez comes from? We think not.

Suarez says but the Commission says.

This leads us on to another story of the day. Are there only certain ethnic groups who can be accused of racism? Please readers don’t take this out of context.

30/12/11 Not a lot, as usual.

A compilation of HOGNFY but take care because they have it at 8:30 rather than 9 o’clock. Very odd. You can then see the second half of Liverpool and Newcastle. That’s about it.

16/12/11 Standard Friday

Anthony Bourdain for some food around the world followed by Have I Got News…Can’t say we go a lot on either of the guests tonight. They’ve got the old sidekick to Sid James and a school boy who grows a ‘wispy’ to kid himself he’s a bit older than he looks. Paul and the Master need to be on form to pull this one through. Clogger had better not watch it tonight – I reckon their will be a few comments about being left out on the naughty step while Cameroon might come in for a few Billy-no-mates.

9/12/11 A few things worth a look

Hockney on Photography for those who can get it followed by some European Rugby. Anthony Bourdain crops up in the middle of this but probably best to see one of the repeats than view it tonight. Lord Hislop of Eye is on at 9 and the History channel has something we should all be glued to at 10:00, How Beer Saved The World. Cheers.

So I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll allow a large number of companies to set themselves up. They are all there to make money but we want it to seem above the Profit and Loss ideology so we’ll call them Groups. They will all be in competition with one another even if their names suggest geographically they are not.

The way they make money is by people using them. More people there are that use them, the money they will make. People will use them if they prove to be successful as a result of having used them. The way you make your users feel successful is pretty easy; you make sure they are more successful with you than your competitors.

It turns out that your users are desperate for success because without it they will go out of business and all lose their jobs.

Given this set of circumstances any business that didn’t encourage it’s customers to use them over and over again would have to be stark raving bonkers!

Now remind me, who was it behind the setting up of the Groups in the first place?

Creation of the current boards

It was not long before the GCE (A Level) boards and GCSE examining groups began to formally merge or enter into even closer working relationships. This made sense, as the it allowed merged boards to offer both GCSE and A Level qualifications and the boards were working together to offer the GCSE qualifications anyway. Many boards also took the opportunity to merge with vocational exam boards, as vocational qualifications became more common in schools. The government encouraged this…

Now there’s a funny thing.

2/12/11 Poor night again

Anthony Bourdain visits Asia and shows, yet again, how you can still present a cooking show that is worth watching. Yes, he’s from America but it really can’t be that hard. The only guy cooking who is worth watching here is Adrian Edmonson! Not that BBC garbage but his ITV show at 4 o’clock. What the hell does that say about the rest?

The Master is on then at 9 but we may have to put-up with the ‘comedian’ Marcus Big-Face – please don’t keep butting in!

The trouble with having been a parent as long as I have is that you can remember the Old Days at Big School. There was a time when the Parents chose a Head Girl! Hard to believe, but true. It only happened once and the Parents, thank heavens, have learnt the error of their ways.

Looking through some old exercise books I am reminded of certain accusations made against the Head Girl. She definitely refused to provide monitors to hand out the milk to the Nursery School. They were forced to go and get their own but, of course, some days they forgot their milk money and simply went without. (I’ve always wondered: what did the Dairy Industry think about that?)

I’ve also got a comment in an End of Year School Report that refers to a theft. It seems that money was stolen from the Honesty Box that was left in the Staff Room. It seems that there used to be money in it that was left to buy tea, coffee and biscuits for the Tutors. Suddenly there was nothing in it! The Head Girl was seen running down the corridor away from the Staff Room.

Thieving witch!

I don’t think she ever did do an after Big School detention for that.

25/11/11 The usual fair for a Friday

We have Worcester taking on Bath in the Premiership which could end a bit one-sided. I hope I’m proved wrong. We also have Sir Ian on, sporting what might just be a bit of thatching that needs investigating, with a Chair who has been funny in the past so let’s hope he’s on form. We need Paul to step up the pace a bit, he has hit some great goals of late but you have to question his work rate.

If you hear hooves galloping up behind you it is always best to think “Horses”. If you are the England Cricket team however you can afford to think “Zebras”. It is at the expense of the RFU who are looking like they are following the Lord Mayor’s Show.

Poor old Andrew, he really has lost the plot. He is still in post as we write and was heard to utter the phrase – “I run a big department…” Who, in the real world, refers to a rugby team as a ‘department’? Get a grip and get your coat!

Chazzer is due to turn up to open a market stall in the Poundbury Market.

The Only Way Is Wessex

EXTRA!! Sachin Tendulkar out on 94 caught at second slip. Bugger.

18/11/11 “Bring out your dead, Bring out your dead”

Has-been telly from 7 until we all slit our wrists. The talentless showing us all how utterly talentless they are. Give me strength. Just run the charity and don’t waste time on this embarrassing rubbish.

He probably wishes he could cover both eyes!